One of the biggest challenges I am required to face as a special needs parent is my son Tommy's annual IEP meeting. I understand that this meeting is of crucial importance because the IEP document is the cornerstone of my son's education. Academic and social goals for his next school year need to be set. Measurable benchmarks for his progress need to be established. Important procedures like home/school communication and the number of days a week he will get speech therapy need to be discussed. It feels like the success or failure he will experience in the upcoming school year will be determined by the outcome of this crucial meeting. Here are some thoughts about what I have learned as the veteran of twelve annual IEP meetings
As a parent, I know that I am the true expert of my child's needs and abilities, so my input and suggestions matter. At the meeting it is my job to advocate for my child's interests and I speak on his behalf with a balanced amount of force and reason. While Tommy's teachers have always had genuine affection for him, they are employees of a school system. The cold reality is that the school system is a government-run institution that does not care about my son. The school system cares about educating Tommy, and the children of the city's taxpayers, to an acceptable level that meets legal standards in the most economical way possible. For students like Tommy, those standards are set in the IEP, hence the importance of the annual meeting.
As the pressure builds and worries mount before the meeting date arrives, it can be easy to develop negative thoughts about what will or will not happen. It is tempting to approach the IEP meeting as a battleground. You are there advocating for the best education for you son, that is clear, but what exactly are the people across the table trying to accomplish? Are they there to deny services your child the services he needs to save money for the school system? Did they meet ahead of time to form a conspiracy against you? Is this meeting, like most everything else in your career as a special needs parent, going to be a struggle?
This "me versus them" mentality is destructive and self-defeating. A sense of cooperation is essential to making decisions that are reasonable and appropriate for your child. While at times I have needed to be firm with what I want for Tommy, I always present my demands in the spirit of a team approach. I do not expect the school system to do the entire job of educating my son, I will do my part too. I do not need the IEP document to be so detailed that it becomes impossible to implement. I realize that while I may feel that I have been dealt an unfair blow by life because I have a special needs child, I know that it is not the job of the school system to make this inequity up to me. I need to sort out all of this negative thinking and focus on the fact that the team of professionals working with my son wants the same outcome as I do- an IEP that provides for an appropriate education for my son.
Another difficult aspect of the annual IEP meeting is that it forces me to confront the reality of my son's disability. Because I am not by Tommy's side on a daily basis in school, I need to be open to hearing the summaries of his abilities given by the educators, therapists, and social workers who see my son in a different light than I do. Although I usually agree with their opinions and observations, it is painful to hear anyone say anything less than flattering about my child. For me, the IEP meeting highlights the gap between my child and his age equivalent peers. The realization of how far he needs to go to catch up is overwhelming. Signing the IEP document can be scary- how do you know for sure that you are making the right decisions? How do you know you did enough to advocate for his needs? I am still hoping to discover the crystal ball that will show me the one, truly correct path to follow then I make decisions for my son. Not knowing if you have made the right decisions causes enormous pressure and self-doubt.
Just as the yearly IEP meeting has caused me some emotional burdens over the years, it has also helped me become appreciative and positive. At the meeting I am reminded that although my son is behind his peers, he is making measurable progress toward his goals. Progress in any child's development, no matter how big or small, should be noted and celebrated. The meeting helps me realize how far Tommy has come when I read goals on his IEP that he has already met or descriptions of his weaknesses last year that are now his strengths. When I review my son's educational goals I am reminded of how hard he has to work to achieve the gains he makes. My heart warms with pride and admiration for him.
I feel empowered as I participate in the discussion about my child. I do not present myself as a dictator barking out commands, but rather as an equal member of the team sharing my knowledge about what Tommy needs. I realize that as a special needs child, Tommy needs multiple exposures to learning activities. I want to know what I can do at home to support what is being done in school. I am reminded that any child's most powerful teacher is his own parent.
Lastly, I am reminded at the yearly IEP meeting that Tommy's education is constantly in need of adjustment to keep pace with his development. I do not have to possess perfect intuition and have all of the definitive answers at that one meeting. The decisions that are made can be revisited at any time I choose. There are no magical services or accommodations that will eliminate the effects of my son's disability. The IEP is not and never will be a finalized document. It is a work in progress, just like my son. I have come to realize that it is not my job to discover the one correct path for my son. It is my job to always be ready to steer him in the right direction.
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